It's Okay...

...all feelings are welcome here

The photo at the top of this post is of the flyer Dom produced advertising the ‘Mental Wellbeing Collective’ which he set up to help himself and others when he lived in London. I hadn’t originally intended to be in it, in fact I kept trying to take one without my reflection showing. But then I decided it felt right to deliberately include me in the frame, because that’s what this post is all about.

You see, being on Substack and choosing to get up close to the experience of losing my son to suicide can feel like entering scary territory, and there are times when writing about this loss makes me feel particularly vulnerable. In all honesty, after my last post (A Real Pain) I was left feeling (my own version of) NOT okay and I have really appreciated the support shown to me, on Substack, and IRL. It has reminded me, once again, of the importance of the simple (but much under-rated) quality of kindness.

Over the last few days, I’ve been in ‘recovery’ mode. Although ‘pushing through’ has traditionally been my response to life’s difficulties, in the almost 4 years since Dom died, I’ve got better at paying attention to what my body (which always keeps the score) is telling me. Nowadays, when my mind and soul is craving soothing activities, I realise it’s time to exercise self-care.

That’s why I knew that I needed to be mindful about how I spent yesterday. It is a very significant date for me, because this was the day, 4 years ago, that I saw my son for the last time. We were in a London Park (because it was Lock-Down) and memories of that meet-up, and how Dom was struggling, can still haunt me, if I let them. Ironically it fell on ‘Maundy/Mourn Day Thursday’ this year, as if I needed any extra reminders…

The book I am currently editing, ‘Walking with My Son,’ opens with an account of that day, April 17th, 2021, as Dom and I followed paths through the woods, and I listened to him attempting to put into words how low he was feeling. I’d driven from my home in Oxfordshire to spend the afternoon with him here, because I was trying to support him without breaking any Covid rules. The scene was hard to write, and I know that revisiting the memories of that day will never be easy. And so, yesterday I chose to remember much happier times.

You see, sometimes my mind is like an old computer (I’m 62 after all so my hardware isn’t exactly in great shape!) and I wonder if I need to do some, timely, maintenance on it. When I’m not running at my optimum capacity, maybe I should be applying the ‘Defragmentation’ mode which was required when ‘Fragmentation’ issues arose on old models. An explanation of this does seem to neatly coincide with my brain’s ongoing attempts to process my trauma:

Fragmentation happens because files on the disk are constantly changing. They are created or deleted; they grow or shrink in size. And it all happens in a fairly random order.

Anyway, ‘unplugging’ myself from what can feel like an endlessly whirring processing of RAM in my brain was how I decided to approach yesterday. Recognising I needed a break from the sadness, I chose an activity which always feeds my soul, taking my dog Sonny on a walk in the Chiltern Hills which is close to home as well as being the last local one that I walked with Dom, in December 2020.

It was beautifully sunny, and I sat on the bench where we’d previously had family photos taken on my birthday in February 2020 (just before Covid turned our world upside down, in more ways than we could possibly have imagined.) I call it our ‘Family Bench, and this photo of Dom and his sister sitting on it together, taken on that birthday, hopefully captures why it's a place I like to return to now.

It was Sonny’s birthday yesterday (an uncanny coincidence that I only discovered when I looked at his vet records: it turned out that my new puppy, who came to us 3 months after Dom died, was born on the final day I got to hug my son.) The walk I took him on is the sort of ‘present’ a dog appreciates the most. He’s a Sprollie, which means he’s a mix of two working dogs (and, amusingly, the product of an unplanned liaison between a gentle family Springer and a wolf-like farm Collie) so he’s high-energy. The path we walked down cut through dense woods (so there was lots of exciting squirrel action) then continued over rolling green fields (with plenty of running opportunities.) Watching Sonny’s enthusiasm prompted me to recognise that life is good, and full of possibilities, and strengthened my commitment to remembering this.

Today, as I write, it feels appropriate to mention that it’s Good Friday. I’m looking forward to us spending the Easter weekend with family, including an eagerly awaited visit to my daughter’s new flat for Easter Sunday. Gratitude has once more surfaced, and there is no better way of returning to feeling myself again than appreciating what I have. But first I want to spend a little time reconnecting with Dom to show him that this does, once again, feel like a ‘Good’ day.

So, in honour of my son, and as soon as I hit ‘post’, I am going to make myself a ‘Banana Omelette’ for lunch. I appreciate this might seem rather random so let me explain! You see, the day after our walk in that London Park, Dom sent me a photo of his own banana omelette, a version of the one I’d described making when we were walking together. I’d like to think that, as we walked along, and began to chat about cooking (a passion of his) things had seemed a bit less heavy for him. I could tell in the text accompanying his photo that he was a little more upbeat the day after, so I know that talking to me about what he was going through had helped.

Most of the time, that’s how it works. Being able to admit that we’re not doing so well is a big part of feeling better. And that’s the reason I decided, in the end, to leave myself in the frame of Dom’s flyer: it (and my son) reminds me that it’s okay to admit when we’re stuck in a place of NOT feeling okay.

Because then, hopefully (and luckily always for me) it means we won’t have to stay there too long.

PS The banana omelette was delicious, as ever. I’m including the recipe now below if you fancy a go!

One mashed up banana and one egg, two tablespoons porridge oats. Fry in oil then turn (gently or it falls apart!) The riper the banana, the better it tastes. Bon appetite!