Esther, such any incredible poem. That thought of not being greedy, we all would take one more hug to savor, to expand space and time.
The landscape letters are amazing. Romey’s gift to you….absolutely priceless. Thank you for your spot on thoughts. Mother’s Day is bittersweet, it has taken awhile for the sweetness ratio to flip. 🫶
I’m glad the flip has happened…this is the kind of progress which is so worth witnessing, and it’s really helpful to hear about this from another parent who knows.
And thank you for such affirming comments about the poem. My prompt came from an anthology which is being put together. There are 2 more to come using these.
Yes, Romey’s gift blew me away. Have you tried Alyssa’s name using it?
An ache, a longing, one that never ceases. I envision those front pack carriers I adored carrying my babies in. Please dear ones, snuggle in closest to our hearts. Merge within so the ‘searching out there’ becomes an inward knowing that this is where you are. 💞
The gift from Romey. Immensely kind. Your thoughts, such a perfect gift on this day before Mother’s Day in the states. My gratitude Team Esther and Dom. Xo💜🪶
Oh Joanie, what a beautiful response to this piece. Of course I remember those carriers too…what a gorgeous image…and your words asking our child to ‘merge within so the ‘searching out there’ becomes an inward knowing that this is where you are’ are so very moving. That’s exactly it, isn’t it…feeling that we can still carry them around like this now is such a comforting thought.
So glad you got to read this piece at this time. I hope tomorrow will be a day where the love between you and Douglas flows freely. Our children are everywhere now, as Romey’s gift reminded me so well
Esther, you hit a nerve with me. It is not as strong now, but in the early desperation to learn hot Elliot's motorcycle accident happened, a part of me thought he might be alive somewhere. I conjured this idea that he was plucked by some rogue CIA or dark web hack operation. His ex-girlfriend emailed me the same idea. There are still so many unanswered questions and unexplained details around the circumstances of his death -- how he was treated in the ER before I got there and the fact they said he had no viable organs for donation. It's amazing how a bereaved mother's mind can spiral. I finally decided to be gentle with myself -- and let go of the investigation. Thanks for this.💜
Yes, I can imagine all of what you described. When our child dies we are thrown into an absolute maelstrom and a madness does descend, and we can find ourselves trying to make right the wrongs that have been done to our child. I know that was my experience too…if only in my mind and my anger towards those who I felt had hurt Dom.
Coming to a place of peace doesn’t mean we stop advocating for our child, does it. Just that we recognise they would not want us to be carrying any extra pain around now. Their loss is hard enough.
Amen! So eloquently articulated. It's all about how we carry the pain. In the beginning, I think we desend into the madness because that's the only place we can exist. So grateful for you and the safety to discuss the raw evolution of our journey. 💜💔❤️
Esther, your words truly touch my heart and remind me of my own feelings of loss. When my daughter graduated from college and moved from NYC to California, I deeply missed her... But Kevin’s passing brought an ache in my soul that’s so hard to put into words. I really appreciate you sharing this “existential ache”…
I understand how tough it is not to have our boys here to celebrate their birthdays. ❤️Dom❤️ Sending you warm, comforting hugs.❤️🫶
It is such an honour to be mentioned alongside your beautiful poem Esther. Every word resonates so deeply, and I love the way you speak of the complex negotiation with the universe. I am still trying to understand how Lyra can be nowhere and yet absolutely everywhere all at once. Your darling Dom is absolutely still out there, somewhere and everywhere, in this world - and I am forever grateful to you for sharing Dom with us so he can be a part of our world too! xX
Thank you Romey. Yes, that complex negotiation…it’s personally involved a lot of railing at the Universe to get to a place where I can see it as benign, as opposed to cruel. I’d say you’re allowed many more days to be extremely pissed off that it took beautiful Lyra from you.
And yet it brought us together. Which feels an incredibly special thing. Maybe that was Lyra’s doing, she does look like an angel, so who knows!
Anyway, thank you to you both for the beautiful image of Dom’s name. As you can see, it’s hit a chord with a few other mums. Naturally I see it as Lyra and Dom continuing to sprinkle their magic in the world 🥰 xx
I am so grateful our paths crossed Esther, and so thankful for your friendship- it feels like just one of many ways Lyra and Dom are still bringing love into our lives, and it feels so hopeful to have gained something in the face of such loss. It is wonderful to observe all the ways that Dom is inspiring connection, community and creativity in everything you do! xXx
Oh, Esther, yes, this is universal. In the early days of losing Garrett, my brain could not accept that he was gone. It kept conjuring the opposite, leading me to believe I saw him in someone of a similar height, build, haircut, clothing, and shoes. Around every corner, I had a hopeful double-take, and then the ache of remembering. It is an existential ache and every bereaved parent knows all too well. Thank you for your beautiful and insightful poem.
Thanks Nikki. How do we not have these thoughts in those early days…our brains simply cannot make sense of something which is frankly so senseless. Hoping that it was all a bad dream.
The collective aching we all feel for our children, it’s got to go somewhere, hasn’t it. And I think it’s being channelled into the loving community on here. I am so grateful for each and everyone of the parents who look out for each other, it is a very special thing❤️❤️❤️
Such a beautiful poem and post that touched my heart in so many ways. Thank you Esther for sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings, and yearnings. In sharing these, you give Dom a place to continue to exist in this world. What you wish for is what you are making come true.🩵 💙 🩵
What a beautiful response Jennifer, thank you 🙏 You know, of course how for parents who’ve lost their child, this thought is hugely comforting, that our child is living on through us…just as Jackson is for you ❤️❤️❤️
Esther, Your poem expresses what so many parents feel. I look forward to your Saturday post each week.
Thanks Nancy 🙏 The same is true for me of yours. Threads of connection which make all the difference ❤️❤️❤️
Esther, such any incredible poem. That thought of not being greedy, we all would take one more hug to savor, to expand space and time.
The landscape letters are amazing. Romey’s gift to you….absolutely priceless. Thank you for your spot on thoughts. Mother’s Day is bittersweet, it has taken awhile for the sweetness ratio to flip. 🫶
I’m glad the flip has happened…this is the kind of progress which is so worth witnessing, and it’s really helpful to hear about this from another parent who knows.
And thank you for such affirming comments about the poem. My prompt came from an anthology which is being put together. There are 2 more to come using these.
Yes, Romey’s gift blew me away. Have you tried Alyssa’s name using it?
Much love ❤️❤️❤️
Esther I just tried her name and mine, the images will be part of my Cosmic Gumball Monday offering 🙏☺️
The does flip fluctuate from time to time, at least the bitter doesn’t stay long
❤️
I’m really excited to see your post on Monday now!
Yearning for our lost children can’t be helped. I am comforted knowing I will see Morgan in another heavenly life.
Yes…I think most of us hold onto that as fact. Anything else feels impossible to comprehend. Thanks Pam 🙏❤️
I agree.
An ache, a longing, one that never ceases. I envision those front pack carriers I adored carrying my babies in. Please dear ones, snuggle in closest to our hearts. Merge within so the ‘searching out there’ becomes an inward knowing that this is where you are. 💞
The gift from Romey. Immensely kind. Your thoughts, such a perfect gift on this day before Mother’s Day in the states. My gratitude Team Esther and Dom. Xo💜🪶
Oh Joanie, what a beautiful response to this piece. Of course I remember those carriers too…what a gorgeous image…and your words asking our child to ‘merge within so the ‘searching out there’ becomes an inward knowing that this is where you are’ are so very moving. That’s exactly it, isn’t it…feeling that we can still carry them around like this now is such a comforting thought.
So glad you got to read this piece at this time. I hope tomorrow will be a day where the love between you and Douglas flows freely. Our children are everywhere now, as Romey’s gift reminded me so well
❤️❤️❤️
Esther, you hit a nerve with me. It is not as strong now, but in the early desperation to learn hot Elliot's motorcycle accident happened, a part of me thought he might be alive somewhere. I conjured this idea that he was plucked by some rogue CIA or dark web hack operation. His ex-girlfriend emailed me the same idea. There are still so many unanswered questions and unexplained details around the circumstances of his death -- how he was treated in the ER before I got there and the fact they said he had no viable organs for donation. It's amazing how a bereaved mother's mind can spiral. I finally decided to be gentle with myself -- and let go of the investigation. Thanks for this.💜
Yes, I can imagine all of what you described. When our child dies we are thrown into an absolute maelstrom and a madness does descend, and we can find ourselves trying to make right the wrongs that have been done to our child. I know that was my experience too…if only in my mind and my anger towards those who I felt had hurt Dom.
Coming to a place of peace doesn’t mean we stop advocating for our child, does it. Just that we recognise they would not want us to be carrying any extra pain around now. Their loss is hard enough.
Sending love
❤️ ❤️❤️
Amen! So eloquently articulated. It's all about how we carry the pain. In the beginning, I think we desend into the madness because that's the only place we can exist. So grateful for you and the safety to discuss the raw evolution of our journey. 💜💔❤️
Elaine 🫂
Dear Esther, I get this so much. Yes. All I wanted to know in the early days was that he was OK. I figured that if he was OK then I could be too.
I love the landscape image tool - inspired!
Thanks Davina, that’s exactly it…if they are okay it can ease our own pain. The maternal urge to protect I guess. Never leaves us ❤️❤️❤️
Esther, your words truly touch my heart and remind me of my own feelings of loss. When my daughter graduated from college and moved from NYC to California, I deeply missed her... But Kevin’s passing brought an ache in my soul that’s so hard to put into words. I really appreciate you sharing this “existential ache”…
I understand how tough it is not to have our boys here to celebrate their birthdays. ❤️Dom❤️ Sending you warm, comforting hugs.❤️🫶
Thank you Chano. Yes, it’s an altogether different kind of missing. And really comforting to know I share this with other parents like you…hugs 🙏❤️
It is such an honour to be mentioned alongside your beautiful poem Esther. Every word resonates so deeply, and I love the way you speak of the complex negotiation with the universe. I am still trying to understand how Lyra can be nowhere and yet absolutely everywhere all at once. Your darling Dom is absolutely still out there, somewhere and everywhere, in this world - and I am forever grateful to you for sharing Dom with us so he can be a part of our world too! xX
Thank you Romey. Yes, that complex negotiation…it’s personally involved a lot of railing at the Universe to get to a place where I can see it as benign, as opposed to cruel. I’d say you’re allowed many more days to be extremely pissed off that it took beautiful Lyra from you.
And yet it brought us together. Which feels an incredibly special thing. Maybe that was Lyra’s doing, she does look like an angel, so who knows!
Anyway, thank you to you both for the beautiful image of Dom’s name. As you can see, it’s hit a chord with a few other mums. Naturally I see it as Lyra and Dom continuing to sprinkle their magic in the world 🥰 xx
I am so grateful our paths crossed Esther, and so thankful for your friendship- it feels like just one of many ways Lyra and Dom are still bringing love into our lives, and it feels so hopeful to have gained something in the face of such loss. It is wonderful to observe all the ways that Dom is inspiring connection, community and creativity in everything you do! xXx
3 C’s…of course, that makes me smile so much! Loads of love Romey xxx
A brilliant encapsulation of what loss looks like. <3 Thank you Esther, on behalf of all of us who share your longing.
Thank you Steph. Sometimes naming it takes off the sharpest edges. I really appreciate your support 🙏❤️
Oh, Esther, yes, this is universal. In the early days of losing Garrett, my brain could not accept that he was gone. It kept conjuring the opposite, leading me to believe I saw him in someone of a similar height, build, haircut, clothing, and shoes. Around every corner, I had a hopeful double-take, and then the ache of remembering. It is an existential ache and every bereaved parent knows all too well. Thank you for your beautiful and insightful poem.
Thanks Nikki. How do we not have these thoughts in those early days…our brains simply cannot make sense of something which is frankly so senseless. Hoping that it was all a bad dream.
The collective aching we all feel for our children, it’s got to go somewhere, hasn’t it. And I think it’s being channelled into the loving community on here. I am so grateful for each and everyone of the parents who look out for each other, it is a very special thing❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for this. I know this feeling too well.
Thank you...and for the restack Christopher, it's much appreciated.
You are a light Esther. I think your writing on here is incredible.
Thank you so much Margaret, I find your words so affirming ❤️🙏
I feel the same ten years on
Yes…when they were so central to our lives we always miss them ❤️
I wish there were visiting hours in heaven.
Sending peace and love, Esther. ❤️🤍
Visiting hours in Heaven ❤️ Me too 🫂 Thank you Rea…and for the restack 🙏❤️
Such a beautiful poem and post that touched my heart in so many ways. Thank you Esther for sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings, and yearnings. In sharing these, you give Dom a place to continue to exist in this world. What you wish for is what you are making come true.🩵 💙 🩵
What a beautiful response Jennifer, thank you 🙏 You know, of course how for parents who’ve lost their child, this thought is hugely comforting, that our child is living on through us…just as Jackson is for you ❤️❤️❤️
This is so heartbreaking! I can't imagine! I'm so sorry!
Thank you Laura, I really appreciate this 🙏❤️
🥹