As always so insightful Esther. I did make it to the end! I’ve listened and learned. Thankyou❤️. I’m now better equipped to help a friend.Can’t promise I will always get it right though.
I have tried to think how I would feel if I lost a child for whatever reason. It’s not easy to comprehend. I think I get some comfort and understanding from reading your posts if that makes sense. Thankyou again x
Thank you Louise, I’m really grateful for your openness 🤗 I think it must be really hard trying to ‘get it right’ and the main thing is to show that you’re prepared to be there for a parent…and just being a good listener. I’m still learning how to be that myself btw! Ultimately, being open to learning is what matters, in all things I think. And it keeps our minds young, always good! Xxx
Bless you Majorie, I'm feeling the support and understanding over here! My next post will be about finding my 'tribe' (alongside old friends) and that's the one with other lovely mums like you who get what this 'new life' looks like and who cheer us along, as you do so consistently! x
Esther... your voice is so, so valuable. Thank you for informing my own narratives... love the framing. We need more truth of experience. Only then can we truly step up when called. Lovely new pic as well!
Gosh, my friend. This made me cry, as your words often do. Hitting the dark spots where no one else goes.
Please write this book. It is so badly needed. How I wish it wasn't... and how I wish it had been there for when we needed it, but it sadly will be needed again and again. With love as always x
Thanks Abi 🤗 That’s really encouraging, to know my writing has the potential to ease the way for other parents. The longer I go on, and am able to look back, the more I realise how utterly lost I felt at the beginning…better support has to be there doesn’t it. Sending love my friend xxx
I can’t appreciate this more. I’m not able to put into words what this loss has been for me let alone explain it. Loss, child loss, child loss by suicide. It’s just magnified at each point exponentially.
Yes, that’s exactly it (put into words very well may I add 🤗) It means a great deal to me that my post has resonated for another parent who knows this terrible loss. Sending love ❤️
An absolutely beautiful post, Esther. Filled with brilliant advice, the kind I've never heard before. People have good intentions, but words have power, and the wrong ones can be heartbreaking at the worst time of your life. This is like a handbook on loss by suicide. I, for one, can't wait to read your memoir. What a gift to the world it will be. You're an inspiration, Esther 🤍
Gosh Marcia, I’m bowled over by your lovely response to my post. Your encouragement means such a lot to me, as I know you understand the world of suicide loss more than most. I’m planning on using the 6 week summer break (yes, I’m a teacher!) to return to the memoir…your words will inspire me as I do 🤗♥️
Best of luck with your writing, Esther. I hope it’s a productive summer. Lucky teachers! Mind you, you all deserve that break! 😘 I look forward to reading your memoir one of these days 😊
The summer of '22, I read Empty Shoes by the Door by Judi Merriam. Her son had committed suicide and she wrote it in honor, in memory of him and as part of her journey to keep putting on foot in front of the other.
Our Sheila died the fall of '23. Weirdly, having read that book helped. Although her death was not suicide, it was sudden and catastrophic.
So many people have no clue about what to say, how to reach and truly provide support, and what surviving parent has the bandwidth to say what the need?
Esther, there is a need for a how to guide. When you are ready complete it.
That’s a real call to arms Nancy, I do feel it needs to be written. So thank you for the encouragement 💪And for helping to make me feel I belong in a larger group…of mums grieving for their cherished child…whatever the reason for their leaving us so early. Gosh, Substack has proved to be such a healing space, really appreciate you being an important part of this 🙏
"And this is where it gets really scary, because if you truly want to be there for your friend you will need to make yourself one hundred percent available to hearing the difficult stuff."
Yes. This. I actually love talking about my son and telling stories about him. My closest friends happen to be the ones who let me blab about him, because they know he changed me on a profound level, and that I might be sorting through our relationship for the rest of my life.
I talk about him openly and honestly. I share the best of him and the worst of him (though I tend to focus on the best, as my way of honoring him).
And here are the two most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me during my grief and pain:
One was during a rage spiral I had toward one of his friends - the one I most associate with keeping him away from me and reinforcing his spiral downward. I shared a vengeance fantasy with someone (I’ve always liked imagining vengeance more than acting on it), and he told me, more or less, I was “grieving wrong.” I almost walked away from that friendship then and there.
The other came from a dear friend who was visiting last winter. I gave him my usual disclaimer: "I have a dead son now, and I like to talk about him. So don't be afraid to ask questions or engage if I bring him up. It's not a sensitive subject."
His response was: "If you want to talk about it, it's fine, but in all honesty, I don't really care."
And... I’m still reeling from that. A cosmically life-altering thing happened to one of your best friends, and you’re... not interested? I’m not going to trauma-dump on someone who isn’t in a place to hear it, of course, but I genuinely don’t understand how someone who loves me doesn’t want to know about the most profound and world-shattering experience of my life. This made me close up completely. I doubt I mentioned my son again... and that week was his birthday week.
Lastly, I wanted to very gently flag one small line from your older writings that stuck with me... I know it likely comes from a place of trauma, and I say this with love: you mention that arguably suicide is the “worst” way to lose a child. I totally understand what you mean, and it’s okay to speak to the specificity of your pain... but that kind of wording feels like trauma-ranking. For folks who lost children in war zones, to starvation, or like me - whose son died trying so hard to get better but was claimed by lifelong abuse and addiction - hearing that language can unintentionally make us feel disconnected or less seen. I know that those writings were meant for parents who lost someone to suicide specifically, but I hope you don't accidentally alienate other parents who would benefit from your writing, whose grief is different but equally vast.
That small detail aside, everything else you’ve said here resonates so deeply. I love when people tell me what they liked about my son. I didn’t get to share him with many people in our short time together, so I cherish every memory someone passes along 💞
Firstly, thank you Bear for flagging that up…it’s a very important point. You’re right…it was (originally) written specifically for those who’d lost a child to suicide. But I do agree with you, trauma ranking (good expression btw!) is not helpful. Do you know David Kessler’s work? He lost a son to addiction and I actually found his ‘take’ on losing a child to suicide the most helpful…the parallels are obviously very strong. I think that, if we have the feeling/thinking that we failed to somehow protect our child, the grieving process is particularly hard, and I know this is such a big part of my own journey after Dom took his life. But I do know that parental guilt features in so much of child loss, whatever the circumstances. It’s all illness really. And the loss of a child to murder/war/starvation…the emptiness a parent feels afterwards…that is universal, because the bond between parent and child is SO strong. I’ll be talking about this in a future post.
Secondly (took a while to get here!) I’m glad you, like me, have those friends who recognise and support your (very natural) need to talk about (and thereby reconnect with) your son. In my experience we don’t need many of these people, we just need the right ones (to make up for the ones who clearly miss the mark by a mile…your examples made me cross on your behalf!)
That feeling of failure is one of the darkest ones. I still often start to wonder if there was something I could have said or done differently... but I tend to let those thoughts peter out. They aren't productive. They don't help. They're a guilt spiral.
My cub wouldn't want me to turn into him (miserable and broken) because he's not here anymore. That would just make him feel worse. He would want me to do the hard thing: find joy and live on for him.
So I let those thoughts fade and instead, remember something great about him. I have a lot of GREAT memories, so I focus on those instead of the endless spiral of "what if's". It is what it is, so it's up to me to deal with it effectively!
As always so insightful Esther. I did make it to the end! I’ve listened and learned. Thankyou❤️. I’m now better equipped to help a friend.Can’t promise I will always get it right though.
I have tried to think how I would feel if I lost a child for whatever reason. It’s not easy to comprehend. I think I get some comfort and understanding from reading your posts if that makes sense. Thankyou again x
Thank you Louise, I’m really grateful for your openness 🤗 I think it must be really hard trying to ‘get it right’ and the main thing is to show that you’re prepared to be there for a parent…and just being a good listener. I’m still learning how to be that myself btw! Ultimately, being open to learning is what matters, in all things I think. And it keeps our minds young, always good! Xxx
Oooh Esther, so many thoughts going through my head and heart.
Since Alyssa became my StarChild when I talk to others in a similar situation, I ask “How did they live? & then listen….
Definitely will re-read for a deeper dive. Just know my heart feels yours & Dom’s ✨💙💛✨
Bless you Majorie, I'm feeling the support and understanding over here! My next post will be about finding my 'tribe' (alongside old friends) and that's the one with other lovely mums like you who get what this 'new life' looks like and who cheer us along, as you do so consistently! x
Finding our people is something that has been weighing heavily on me lately. I look forward to that post!
Yes, an important topic….it’s fermenting in my head at the moment Molly, thanks for the encouragement!
Great post, Esther! I think the naked pain we display when grieving a child, scares people and they flounder when reaching out.
It is the worst tradegy anyone can imagine, because it is abnormal.
Please feel free to use any of my work for your book, Esther.
That's really kind of you Rea, it'll be a while off yet but my thoughts about it are bubbling away!
Esther... your voice is so, so valuable. Thank you for informing my own narratives... love the framing. We need more truth of experience. Only then can we truly step up when called. Lovely new pic as well!
Thank you Abby!
Gosh, my friend. This made me cry, as your words often do. Hitting the dark spots where no one else goes.
Please write this book. It is so badly needed. How I wish it wasn't... and how I wish it had been there for when we needed it, but it sadly will be needed again and again. With love as always x
Thanks Abi 🤗 That’s really encouraging, to know my writing has the potential to ease the way for other parents. The longer I go on, and am able to look back, the more I realise how utterly lost I felt at the beginning…better support has to be there doesn’t it. Sending love my friend xxx
I can’t appreciate this more. I’m not able to put into words what this loss has been for me let alone explain it. Loss, child loss, child loss by suicide. It’s just magnified at each point exponentially.
Yes, that’s exactly it (put into words very well may I add 🤗) It means a great deal to me that my post has resonated for another parent who knows this terrible loss. Sending love ❤️
An absolutely beautiful post, Esther. Filled with brilliant advice, the kind I've never heard before. People have good intentions, but words have power, and the wrong ones can be heartbreaking at the worst time of your life. This is like a handbook on loss by suicide. I, for one, can't wait to read your memoir. What a gift to the world it will be. You're an inspiration, Esther 🤍
Gosh Marcia, I’m bowled over by your lovely response to my post. Your encouragement means such a lot to me, as I know you understand the world of suicide loss more than most. I’m planning on using the 6 week summer break (yes, I’m a teacher!) to return to the memoir…your words will inspire me as I do 🤗♥️
Best of luck with your writing, Esther. I hope it’s a productive summer. Lucky teachers! Mind you, you all deserve that break! 😘 I look forward to reading your memoir one of these days 😊
The summer of '22, I read Empty Shoes by the Door by Judi Merriam. Her son had committed suicide and she wrote it in honor, in memory of him and as part of her journey to keep putting on foot in front of the other.
Our Sheila died the fall of '23. Weirdly, having read that book helped. Although her death was not suicide, it was sudden and catastrophic.
So many people have no clue about what to say, how to reach and truly provide support, and what surviving parent has the bandwidth to say what the need?
Esther, there is a need for a how to guide. When you are ready complete it.
That’s a real call to arms Nancy, I do feel it needs to be written. So thank you for the encouragement 💪And for helping to make me feel I belong in a larger group…of mums grieving for their cherished child…whatever the reason for their leaving us so early. Gosh, Substack has proved to be such a healing space, really appreciate you being an important part of this 🙏
I concur, Esther, Substack is a pretty special place.
Gawd this is so important.
"And this is where it gets really scary, because if you truly want to be there for your friend you will need to make yourself one hundred percent available to hearing the difficult stuff."
Yes. This. I actually love talking about my son and telling stories about him. My closest friends happen to be the ones who let me blab about him, because they know he changed me on a profound level, and that I might be sorting through our relationship for the rest of my life.
I talk about him openly and honestly. I share the best of him and the worst of him (though I tend to focus on the best, as my way of honoring him).
And here are the two most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me during my grief and pain:
One was during a rage spiral I had toward one of his friends - the one I most associate with keeping him away from me and reinforcing his spiral downward. I shared a vengeance fantasy with someone (I’ve always liked imagining vengeance more than acting on it), and he told me, more or less, I was “grieving wrong.” I almost walked away from that friendship then and there.
The other came from a dear friend who was visiting last winter. I gave him my usual disclaimer: "I have a dead son now, and I like to talk about him. So don't be afraid to ask questions or engage if I bring him up. It's not a sensitive subject."
His response was: "If you want to talk about it, it's fine, but in all honesty, I don't really care."
And... I’m still reeling from that. A cosmically life-altering thing happened to one of your best friends, and you’re... not interested? I’m not going to trauma-dump on someone who isn’t in a place to hear it, of course, but I genuinely don’t understand how someone who loves me doesn’t want to know about the most profound and world-shattering experience of my life. This made me close up completely. I doubt I mentioned my son again... and that week was his birthday week.
Lastly, I wanted to very gently flag one small line from your older writings that stuck with me... I know it likely comes from a place of trauma, and I say this with love: you mention that arguably suicide is the “worst” way to lose a child. I totally understand what you mean, and it’s okay to speak to the specificity of your pain... but that kind of wording feels like trauma-ranking. For folks who lost children in war zones, to starvation, or like me - whose son died trying so hard to get better but was claimed by lifelong abuse and addiction - hearing that language can unintentionally make us feel disconnected or less seen. I know that those writings were meant for parents who lost someone to suicide specifically, but I hope you don't accidentally alienate other parents who would benefit from your writing, whose grief is different but equally vast.
That small detail aside, everything else you’ve said here resonates so deeply. I love when people tell me what they liked about my son. I didn’t get to share him with many people in our short time together, so I cherish every memory someone passes along 💞
YES!!!!
So good to be on the same page 💪
Firstly, thank you Bear for flagging that up…it’s a very important point. You’re right…it was (originally) written specifically for those who’d lost a child to suicide. But I do agree with you, trauma ranking (good expression btw!) is not helpful. Do you know David Kessler’s work? He lost a son to addiction and I actually found his ‘take’ on losing a child to suicide the most helpful…the parallels are obviously very strong. I think that, if we have the feeling/thinking that we failed to somehow protect our child, the grieving process is particularly hard, and I know this is such a big part of my own journey after Dom took his life. But I do know that parental guilt features in so much of child loss, whatever the circumstances. It’s all illness really. And the loss of a child to murder/war/starvation…the emptiness a parent feels afterwards…that is universal, because the bond between parent and child is SO strong. I’ll be talking about this in a future post.
Secondly (took a while to get here!) I’m glad you, like me, have those friends who recognise and support your (very natural) need to talk about (and thereby reconnect with) your son. In my experience we don’t need many of these people, we just need the right ones (to make up for the ones who clearly miss the mark by a mile…your examples made me cross on your behalf!)
Thanks again for such helpful feedback Bear 🤗
You're absolutely right, and thank you!
That feeling of failure is one of the darkest ones. I still often start to wonder if there was something I could have said or done differently... but I tend to let those thoughts peter out. They aren't productive. They don't help. They're a guilt spiral.
My cub wouldn't want me to turn into him (miserable and broken) because he's not here anymore. That would just make him feel worse. He would want me to do the hard thing: find joy and live on for him.
So I let those thoughts fade and instead, remember something great about him. I have a lot of GREAT memories, so I focus on those instead of the endless spiral of "what if's". It is what it is, so it's up to me to deal with it effectively!