The day Sheila died, I said to my husband, we can not do the "what if" game. There is nothing we can do now to bring her back--we need to look ahead and figure out a way to say grieve while moving forward.
Have I had zero what if moments? No. But they have been maybe three in the past 23 months and they have not lasted long. I cannot even imagine never missing her--that is ongoing.
Thank you Nancy. You share my resolve in bringing your child with you…recognising the futility of engaging with the ‘what ifs.’ I’d be lying if I said it came to me easily, but it’s a game I rarely play now. I appreciate your responses to my writing very much ❤️
Sending hugs...many good points here. Like many things in life, it's a difficult thing to comprehend unless you've lived it. Healing from child loss is an ongoing, ever-changing process but one that can teach us so much.
A pivotal moment happens where my thoughts were more about Douglas’ life than his shedding his earth suit. This took time, I’m not even sure of when it was, yet I felt comforted that I was healing, even on those days I doubted it the most.
You are providing a hope and possibilities. Two tenets in bereavement that are sorely needed. Thank you.
Thank you so much Joanie, knowing that my grief journey chimes with your own provides me with so much hope and comfort too. Like you, I want to share these possibilities with other bereaved parents. The photos are real treasures and it’s such a pleasure to share them 😍❤️
I really felt the power of your words here the difference you draw between moving on and facing forward feels like a lifeline. It struck me how you let both grief and joy have their place, like two companions you’ve learned to walk with rather than choose between. And that image of Dom with the chicken hat what a perfect reminder that joy doesn’t erase grief, it stands right alongside it. Thank you for showing how love can keep pulling us forward without ever leaving our children behind ✨
Thanks for sharing and writing with such clarity. Allowing the person you have lost to just exist and be missed beyond the how’s and the whys is so important. Keep sharing and writing and helping others.
During those first few distressing years, we think we will never be able to get through it and experience joy in life again. I found the realization that I could be happy and still miss and love Emile, so freeing. Our children are with us on our journey, and our healing is what they desire for us. This doesn't mean we forget about them, and you worded this so beautifully, Esther. <3
Thank you Rea, it’s exactly as you say, that what seems totally impossible (for what can feel an interminable time) does actually come to be…and yes, like you I have experienced it as a freedom. I keep coming back to the idea of being in a prison till then…finding keys to those doors is such a relief. Always appreciate your affirming comments ❤️
Thank you for sharing all this hard-earned wisdom, Esther! So many good points and I can relate to a lot of what you're saying.
I love the framing of "Facing Forward" and the distinction from that and the phrase "moving on" which always bumped me after Michael died until I reframed it as bringing my grief forward into my life in an integrated way.
I like the encouragement to be active in building the life you want, something I've found challenging in my grief by move slowly towards as best I can. Thank you <3
I’m so pleased that you found resonances in what I wrote, Miranda. Traditional reassurances that we will eventually ‘move on’ can feel so off-point can’t they, I’m glad you liked my reframing!
Actively building the life we want is a forever task I think, and if we want it to be a life with self-compassion at its core it’s so important that we view through an incredibly soft lens the many times when we feel we’ve stalled/gone backwards or even perceive we have ‘failed.’ There are no magic wands for these kind of losses are there 🥲
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, it’s really appreciated 🙏
As usual Esther, a power packed offering for us on this journey and the others that try to help us along.
Dom’s energy is felt by me when you write about and share pictures.
Every sign sent, the love from above helps when we miss the hugs and laughter the most. I don’t get that dreaded question as much about Alyssa due to the fact it has been 12 years…. I bring it back to how she lived. Our children are forever part of us. ✨💙💛🧡💜✨
Thank you Majorie…I’m beginning to see what lies ahead and not dread it…other parents like yourself who are further along and prove to me that this is survivable and, most importantly, that Dom will still be part of my future helps so much. I really appreciate your being here for me 🙏❤️👌
Esther, what a very moving, careful (re)definition of what moving forward can mean when love & loss remain inseparable. I so respect the honesty and clarity in your words <3
Thank you Dom, I find writing really helps me to understand the workings of my mind, glad you felt the clarity too! Really appreciate your being a reader 🙏❤️
Esther, this piece has set itself in my heart in so many ways. You are phenomenal in sharing these processes of grief and how you have implemented them in your own journey. I could highlight so many key points that completely penetrated my grief-heavy parts. Oof! Bless you, bless YOU for all that you do and share, not only for your own processing, but in helping others with theirs. Though I have not lost a child, these precious pieces of living with loss are incredibly impactful and helpful. They are so full of compassion and acceptance and love. What shines from your story, and Dom's, and your whole family's, is that there is a forward and it is as beautiful as can be; such a lovely hope for the future and what it looks like.
Wendy, I so appreciate this beautiful comment to my piece, showing how far its reach has/can be. You make this process easier, by fortifying my reasons to keep writing, thank you 🙏❤️🫂
The day Sheila died, I said to my husband, we can not do the "what if" game. There is nothing we can do now to bring her back--we need to look ahead and figure out a way to say grieve while moving forward.
Have I had zero what if moments? No. But they have been maybe three in the past 23 months and they have not lasted long. I cannot even imagine never missing her--that is ongoing.
I really appreciate your wisdom and your writing.
Thank you Nancy. You share my resolve in bringing your child with you…recognising the futility of engaging with the ‘what ifs.’ I’d be lying if I said it came to me easily, but it’s a game I rarely play now. I appreciate your responses to my writing very much ❤️
Sending hugs...many good points here. Like many things in life, it's a difficult thing to comprehend unless you've lived it. Healing from child loss is an ongoing, ever-changing process but one that can teach us so much.
Thanks Marla…yes, it’s certainly a huge learning (and yearning) curve. And ever-changing too. Hugs right back ❤️
A pivotal moment happens where my thoughts were more about Douglas’ life than his shedding his earth suit. This took time, I’m not even sure of when it was, yet I felt comforted that I was healing, even on those days I doubted it the most.
You are providing a hope and possibilities. Two tenets in bereavement that are sorely needed. Thank you.
Beautiful pictures of treasured times shared.
Gentle care to all who land here. 💜🪶
Thank you so much Joanie, knowing that my grief journey chimes with your own provides me with so much hope and comfort too. Like you, I want to share these possibilities with other bereaved parents. The photos are real treasures and it’s such a pleasure to share them 😍❤️
Thank you for sharing your journey of grief for your son. You are not alone in your grief. Sending hugs.
Thank you Pam, it makes a huge difference knowing this 🙏❤️
I really felt the power of your words here the difference you draw between moving on and facing forward feels like a lifeline. It struck me how you let both grief and joy have their place, like two companions you’ve learned to walk with rather than choose between. And that image of Dom with the chicken hat what a perfect reminder that joy doesn’t erase grief, it stands right alongside it. Thank you for showing how love can keep pulling us forward without ever leaving our children behind ✨
Thank you for so beautifully reflecting on my writing. It’s so lovely to be seen as I feel I am in your words ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for sharing and writing with such clarity. Allowing the person you have lost to just exist and be missed beyond the how’s and the whys is so important. Keep sharing and writing and helping others.
Thank you for that lovely encouragement 🙏❤️
Awww this photo with the silly hats! We are all so young <3
This mirrors my experience with losing my teen-aged son how I have dealt with my own grief. Thank you for sharing!
You are so welcome Aaron, I’m glad it resonated, as I know personally how helpful this can be for me when I read other bereaved parents’ posts 🙏
I’ve been seeking out bereaved parents who are writing on here, but suspect there are many more that aren’t appearing in my feed.
Yes, I agree!
During those first few distressing years, we think we will never be able to get through it and experience joy in life again. I found the realization that I could be happy and still miss and love Emile, so freeing. Our children are with us on our journey, and our healing is what they desire for us. This doesn't mean we forget about them, and you worded this so beautifully, Esther. <3
Thank you Rea, it’s exactly as you say, that what seems totally impossible (for what can feel an interminable time) does actually come to be…and yes, like you I have experienced it as a freedom. I keep coming back to the idea of being in a prison till then…finding keys to those doors is such a relief. Always appreciate your affirming comments ❤️
Thank you for sharing all this hard-earned wisdom, Esther! So many good points and I can relate to a lot of what you're saying.
I love the framing of "Facing Forward" and the distinction from that and the phrase "moving on" which always bumped me after Michael died until I reframed it as bringing my grief forward into my life in an integrated way.
I like the encouragement to be active in building the life you want, something I've found challenging in my grief by move slowly towards as best I can. Thank you <3
I’m so pleased that you found resonances in what I wrote, Miranda. Traditional reassurances that we will eventually ‘move on’ can feel so off-point can’t they, I’m glad you liked my reframing!
Actively building the life we want is a forever task I think, and if we want it to be a life with self-compassion at its core it’s so important that we view through an incredibly soft lens the many times when we feel we’ve stalled/gone backwards or even perceive we have ‘failed.’ There are no magic wands for these kind of losses are there 🥲
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, it’s really appreciated 🙏
As usual Esther, a power packed offering for us on this journey and the others that try to help us along.
Dom’s energy is felt by me when you write about and share pictures.
Every sign sent, the love from above helps when we miss the hugs and laughter the most. I don’t get that dreaded question as much about Alyssa due to the fact it has been 12 years…. I bring it back to how she lived. Our children are forever part of us. ✨💙💛🧡💜✨
Thank you Majorie…I’m beginning to see what lies ahead and not dread it…other parents like yourself who are further along and prove to me that this is survivable and, most importantly, that Dom will still be part of my future helps so much. I really appreciate your being here for me 🙏❤️👌
Likewise 🤗
Esther, what a very moving, careful (re)definition of what moving forward can mean when love & loss remain inseparable. I so respect the honesty and clarity in your words <3
Thank you Dom, I find writing really helps me to understand the workings of my mind, glad you felt the clarity too! Really appreciate your being a reader 🙏❤️
“carrying our child now in our hearts, means we maintain our relationship with them, so that they remain an essential part of how we live, forever”
This is beautiful 🥰
I also love another quote that we can be healing, hurting and happy all at the same time.
Yes, that’s a lovely quote Piata ❤️
Thanks as ever for supporting my writing, really appreciated 🙏
“‘Facing Forward’ can help us to move beyond the trauma of our child’s death.
Which is not the same as ‘moving on’…” I love this, Esther. You put it perfectly. Sending you so much love and joy. ❤️
Thanks Lisa. I appreciate that you see the difference the language we use makes to reflecting how it really feels ❤️
Your insights are so important and your generosity is beautiful.
Esther, this piece has set itself in my heart in so many ways. You are phenomenal in sharing these processes of grief and how you have implemented them in your own journey. I could highlight so many key points that completely penetrated my grief-heavy parts. Oof! Bless you, bless YOU for all that you do and share, not only for your own processing, but in helping others with theirs. Though I have not lost a child, these precious pieces of living with loss are incredibly impactful and helpful. They are so full of compassion and acceptance and love. What shines from your story, and Dom's, and your whole family's, is that there is a forward and it is as beautiful as can be; such a lovely hope for the future and what it looks like.
Many blessings and MUCH LOVE,
~Wendy💜
Wendy, I so appreciate this beautiful comment to my piece, showing how far its reach has/can be. You make this process easier, by fortifying my reasons to keep writing, thank you 🙏❤️🫂
Thank you Chester for restacking my post 🙏❤️