Esther, my heart truly goes out to you. I deeply understand the longing you feel. Oh, how I would cherish hearing my son’s voice again! It warms my heart that you have Dom's voice notes—they are such a beautiful treasure. Sending you love and hugs!
Thank you Chano for your kindness. I know you feel all this yearning yourself. We learn to recognise and appreciate the treasures that still exist don’t we🙏❤️
This brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful thing to still have his messages and be able to hear his voice. Thanks for sharing this, Esther - I know it's going to mean so much to so many people.
Beautiful post, Esther. I write Emile letters and talk to him all the time. I even tell him things that happened, even though I am sure he knows it. The idea that they are always with us, makes it a little easier to live with. One day we will see them again, and that day will be glorious!
It will be! Maybe one big party we can meet each other at…not sure about Emile, but that’s the kind of reunion Dom would like. With drum and bass music preferably 🤪
Oof, Esther, this is one of the most beautiful posts you have written. This one has something beyond explanation. The peace felt within your words filled up every space in the room as I read it. It truly made present just how powerful love is. I don't believe in coincidences, I do believe that there is forever a divine connection with those we love and that connection is, as you said, "Magical." Whether it is communicating through an app, or any other way of connecting, it is undeniably a link to where they are now, while fully being spirit and oh, so near.
Thank you for sharing the book that helped you so much, I look forward to reading it. Most gracious thanks for writing to help others, especially while you, yourself move through the dimensions of your own loss and grief.
Wendy, what a lovely response, I feel very seen. You’re right, still sending messages back and forth to Dom as the way I choose to maintain our connection, and how I perceive this as a gift he left me has been a central tenet to my being able to find peace. I so appreciate your presence for me on here ❤️🙏🫂
Thank you thank you thank you. This is such a powerful, beautifully written piece about continuing connection and how to find it. I was just thinking about how much I need parenting input from my son’s father today. I am inspired hear what he has to say❣️❣️
This is soooo important (is that what I comment on all of your posts? Haha...).
I've often wondered how many people might think I'm crazy for my continued relationship with my son. I spend a lot of time with him, for someone who has no physical presence.
But when you know and love someone so thoroughly, it isn't such a challenge to think you can hear their response. Especially when I personally believe that we find peace in death.
I can hear my cub so clearly. His responses to things I say come faster than my brain can imagine them. And whenever I wonder if he's disappointed in me or anything, before I'm done the thought, another thought imposes itself: "no, silly, I love you and want you to be happy."
I can do no better. All I can do is try to have an interesting life while he rides along in his private room in my heart.
I also rub my own thumb while driving. It's a silly thing, but I've made such a habit of it that it's starting to come naturally. He and I drove around a lot, and I often held his hand, or vice versa. This simulates the feeling of me rubbing his thumb and him rubbing mine at the same time.
Call me crazy, but it helps me manage my grief, and I've never cared less about what anyone thinks of me 😅💞 thanks as always for writing!
You’re so welcome, Bear! Thank you for your support (and the lovely restack which I’ve just seen!) I’m glad my piece spoke to you, and agree, it’s good to find out the ways in which we keep our children in our lives does not make us crazy! The more quirky, the better…loved your thumb rub sign ❤️
The coincidences that arise in the wake of suicide blow me away. Of course its the same day he taught you how to use voice notes, of course, why wouldn't it be? In all of my experiences with suicide personally, there is always some sort of coincidence which makes the event all the more haunting and quiet. Thank you for writing about the bond you still have with your son, it's real and beautiful.
‘Haunting and quiet’ I love how you have described that. It’s so true. It’s really interesting to see Dom’s act of love then (although like me he didn’t realise how significant what he was doing was at that time) in the context of significances which exist around other suicides. It’s good to have you as a reader, thank you for the support 🙏
This is a touching and well-written essay. We have similar stories. My son was just short of 30, and he killed himself in February 2021.
But there are differences. Thomas never shared his suicidal thoughts with me or anyone in our family. I discovered them later, when I reviewed his medical record. His healthcare team treated him for depression, but said he had "recovered."
I don't speak with Thomas, but that's just me. Every bereaved parent has a different style of grieving. There's a hole in your life, and you find ways to fill the space.
Yes, it’s as individual as we are I think. I’m glad you have found ways to begin to fill that hole. It’s never completely filled is it, but we start to feel some healing…and of course, our love for our child remains as a constant, across time and space.
As always Esther this piece is beautifully written and comes from the heart. Now I see relationships with loved ones don’t have to end on death. This is very comforting to know. I also take from all your writings that all emotions felt during grief are valid. Grief has no end and grief is very personal to individuals. Thankyou dear Esther❤️
It is the laughter and the hugs we miss so much. I look back on that first year of Alyssa’s departure and wonder how I got through it. Everything you wrote resonated with me. The signs and synchronicities help me immensely to shake off intense grief. Learning how continued conversations are possible. I have had to open myself up to complete patience which is hard in instance gratification times.
Time marches on, we will always carry our children with us. Their energy finds a way to lighten and enlighten us if we are open to possibilities. Shared journeys help. Thank you for sharing Dom with us. I know Alyssa is happy our paths have crossed and continue to do so.
Thank you Majorie, describing your own building re-connection with Alyssa, I love to hear this too! I have such a strong sense that all our cherished children are somehow in the same place, sharing their own ways in which they can beam messages back down to us. And it makes me smile 🥰🙏❤️
Thank you Nancy. They’re our spiritual guides, our children. It’s something which endures, an important and very meaningful influence in our own-going lives. And keeps them so very close to us ❤️
Learning how to become bilingual in the language of the heart is what each of us can learn how to do. This is where I asked Douglas to help show me how. After seventeen years most days I feel fluent. If not, it is never because of him, and it’s something going on within me.
To be reminded of all the possibilities now, and not simply our limitations keeps me placing one foot in front of the other.
Beautifully crafted and heartfelt, Esther. Thank you. I always remind myself that my Love needs somewhere to go. Xo💜🪶
I love how you describe this same process which I have been going through with Dom, with Douglas too. There is a sense of being on the right track for me, that this is how we make a new relationship with our child, and the knowledge that other parents are doing the work it takes at the same time as we are makes it a much less lonely path. Thank you Joanie ❤️
This is an achingly beautiful post.
Thank you. I put my ❤️ into it x
I could tell ♥️
Esther, my heart truly goes out to you. I deeply understand the longing you feel. Oh, how I would cherish hearing my son’s voice again! It warms my heart that you have Dom's voice notes—they are such a beautiful treasure. Sending you love and hugs!
Thank you Chano for your kindness. I know you feel all this yearning yourself. We learn to recognise and appreciate the treasures that still exist don’t we🙏❤️
This brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful thing to still have his messages and be able to hear his voice. Thanks for sharing this, Esther - I know it's going to mean so much to so many people.
Thank you Sarah. I value those messages and the sense that I can still contact him in this way so much ❤️
Beautiful post, Esther. I write Emile letters and talk to him all the time. I even tell him things that happened, even though I am sure he knows it. The idea that they are always with us, makes it a little easier to live with. One day we will see them again, and that day will be glorious!
🤣❤️
It will be! Maybe one big party we can meet each other at…not sure about Emile, but that’s the kind of reunion Dom would like. With drum and bass music preferably 🤪
I am sure they have met already. Getting the party ready for us! : ) Drums and bass and everything else.
Oof, Esther, this is one of the most beautiful posts you have written. This one has something beyond explanation. The peace felt within your words filled up every space in the room as I read it. It truly made present just how powerful love is. I don't believe in coincidences, I do believe that there is forever a divine connection with those we love and that connection is, as you said, "Magical." Whether it is communicating through an app, or any other way of connecting, it is undeniably a link to where they are now, while fully being spirit and oh, so near.
Thank you for sharing the book that helped you so much, I look forward to reading it. Most gracious thanks for writing to help others, especially while you, yourself move through the dimensions of your own loss and grief.
Many blessings and MUCH LOVE,
~Wendy💜
Wendy, what a lovely response, I feel very seen. You’re right, still sending messages back and forth to Dom as the way I choose to maintain our connection, and how I perceive this as a gift he left me has been a central tenet to my being able to find peace. I so appreciate your presence for me on here ❤️🙏🫂
Thank you thank you thank you. This is such a powerful, beautifully written piece about continuing connection and how to find it. I was just thinking about how much I need parenting input from my son’s father today. I am inspired hear what he has to say❣️❣️
Go for it Leslie! You’ve made my day ❤️🙌
Wow what a post Esther, when they leave, our memories become the most valuable things we have, what an amazing thing to have some of that recorded 💙
Thanks Hal…❤️and for subscribing. I see you write about grief too. Look forward to reading more of your own writing in this space 🙏
This is a lovely, comforting post. Thank you ❤️
The connection you carry with your son is palpable ❤️🩹
Yes, it really helps. Thank you for you kind words Piata ❤️
Another beautiful article, Esther!🫶🏼
Thank you Jessica ❤️
This is soooo important (is that what I comment on all of your posts? Haha...).
I've often wondered how many people might think I'm crazy for my continued relationship with my son. I spend a lot of time with him, for someone who has no physical presence.
But when you know and love someone so thoroughly, it isn't such a challenge to think you can hear their response. Especially when I personally believe that we find peace in death.
I can hear my cub so clearly. His responses to things I say come faster than my brain can imagine them. And whenever I wonder if he's disappointed in me or anything, before I'm done the thought, another thought imposes itself: "no, silly, I love you and want you to be happy."
I can do no better. All I can do is try to have an interesting life while he rides along in his private room in my heart.
I also rub my own thumb while driving. It's a silly thing, but I've made such a habit of it that it's starting to come naturally. He and I drove around a lot, and I often held his hand, or vice versa. This simulates the feeling of me rubbing his thumb and him rubbing mine at the same time.
Call me crazy, but it helps me manage my grief, and I've never cared less about what anyone thinks of me 😅💞 thanks as always for writing!
You’re so welcome, Bear! Thank you for your support (and the lovely restack which I’ve just seen!) I’m glad my piece spoke to you, and agree, it’s good to find out the ways in which we keep our children in our lives does not make us crazy! The more quirky, the better…loved your thumb rub sign ❤️
The coincidences that arise in the wake of suicide blow me away. Of course its the same day he taught you how to use voice notes, of course, why wouldn't it be? In all of my experiences with suicide personally, there is always some sort of coincidence which makes the event all the more haunting and quiet. Thank you for writing about the bond you still have with your son, it's real and beautiful.
‘Haunting and quiet’ I love how you have described that. It’s so true. It’s really interesting to see Dom’s act of love then (although like me he didn’t realise how significant what he was doing was at that time) in the context of significances which exist around other suicides. It’s good to have you as a reader, thank you for the support 🙏
This is a touching and well-written essay. We have similar stories. My son was just short of 30, and he killed himself in February 2021.
But there are differences. Thomas never shared his suicidal thoughts with me or anyone in our family. I discovered them later, when I reviewed his medical record. His healthcare team treated him for depression, but said he had "recovered."
I don't speak with Thomas, but that's just me. Every bereaved parent has a different style of grieving. There's a hole in your life, and you find ways to fill the space.
Yes, it’s as individual as we are I think. I’m glad you have found ways to begin to fill that hole. It’s never completely filled is it, but we start to feel some healing…and of course, our love for our child remains as a constant, across time and space.
As always Esther this piece is beautifully written and comes from the heart. Now I see relationships with loved ones don’t have to end on death. This is very comforting to know. I also take from all your writings that all emotions felt during grief are valid. Grief has no end and grief is very personal to individuals. Thankyou dear Esther❤️
Thank you Lou, it’s good for you to remind me of the universal truths which my writing reveals. I’m glad it’s done this for you too. Sending love xx
It is the laughter and the hugs we miss so much. I look back on that first year of Alyssa’s departure and wonder how I got through it. Everything you wrote resonated with me. The signs and synchronicities help me immensely to shake off intense grief. Learning how continued conversations are possible. I have had to open myself up to complete patience which is hard in instance gratification times.
Time marches on, we will always carry our children with us. Their energy finds a way to lighten and enlighten us if we are open to possibilities. Shared journeys help. Thank you for sharing Dom with us. I know Alyssa is happy our paths have crossed and continue to do so.
✨💫💛💙🧡💫✨
Thank you Majorie, describing your own building re-connection with Alyssa, I love to hear this too! I have such a strong sense that all our cherished children are somehow in the same place, sharing their own ways in which they can beam messages back down to us. And it makes me smile 🥰🙏❤️
Esther, the wisdom you have gained from keeping a connection going with Dom via your voice mails truly speaks to me.
I certainly feel a strong connection to Sheila through writing about her. I appreciate you and your writing very much.
Thank you Nancy. They’re our spiritual guides, our children. It’s something which endures, an important and very meaningful influence in our own-going lives. And keeps them so very close to us ❤️
Learning how to become bilingual in the language of the heart is what each of us can learn how to do. This is where I asked Douglas to help show me how. After seventeen years most days I feel fluent. If not, it is never because of him, and it’s something going on within me.
To be reminded of all the possibilities now, and not simply our limitations keeps me placing one foot in front of the other.
Beautifully crafted and heartfelt, Esther. Thank you. I always remind myself that my Love needs somewhere to go. Xo💜🪶
I love how you describe this same process which I have been going through with Dom, with Douglas too. There is a sense of being on the right track for me, that this is how we make a new relationship with our child, and the knowledge that other parents are doing the work it takes at the same time as we are makes it a much less lonely path. Thank you Joanie ❤️